You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen, Comet, and Cupid, and Donner, and Blitzen, but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Well, you should — ever since it hit the airwaves in 1964, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has become the longest-running Christmas special of all time. It's a beloved tradition that tells a story of how our differences can make us stronger, and was so well received that its producers, Rankin/Bass, spent the next 20 years focused on producing stop-motion Christmas specials that tackled everything from a donkey that was present for the birth of Christ to two completely different origins for Santa Claus.
But while it's not lacking in good cheer, Rudolph is hardly the squeaky-clean narrative you might remember. Dig a little deeper in that North Pole snow, and you'll find that there's a whole lot of messed up stuff going on.
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Rudolph is only loved once his differences prove to be valuable
It's difficult to imagine being alive today and not being at least slightly familiar with the narrative laid out by Johnny Marks in his original song, but just in case, here you go: Rudolph is a reindeer born with a red nose so shiny that some would even say it glows (like a light bulb). This caused him no end of trouble as a child, with the other reindeer shunning him, but once his nose-beam proved to be capable of lighting the way for Santa Claus on a particularly foggy Christmas Eve, he was lauded by his former tormentors and went down in history (like Napoleon or toothpaste, depending on where you went to elementary school).
Side note: If you're not sure who this Santa Claus guy is and why he's riding around in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, well, c'mon. There's only so much we can explain, and you're just gonna have to meet us halfway on this one.
The problem is right there in the song: "Then how the reindeer loved him." Before his differences proved to be valuable in propping up the existing North Pole status quo, they hated him so much that they wouldn't even let him play games. It was only once they realized they could use his nose for their own benefit that they "loved" him. If red noses weren't good fog lights, it stands to reason that he would've been shunned to his dying day. To the special's credit, it does make a point to have his family out looking for him before he comes back to light the way on Christmas Eve, but maybe teaching kids that you should run away to make everyone feel bad about ridiculing you isn't a great idea.
Donner is deeply ashamed of his son
You'd expect a bully like Fireball, Rudolph's young rival, to scorn Rudolph for his differences, but at least he can count on his family for support in those trying times, right? Wrong. When the song says "all of the other reindeer," it means all of them — including his own father.
The very first thing that Donner does upon witnessing the birth of his only child — after he recoils in shock — is decide that Rudolph's nose is so shameful that it must be hidden at all costs. To that end, he smears mud on Rudolph's nose with the intent of leaving it there forever. Not only does that hide the glowing, it also stuffs up Rudolph's nose, as evidenced by the fact that voice actress Billie Mae Richards makes him sound like he has a cold for the first 15 minutes of the special. So according to Donner, Rudolph's nose is so shameful that hiding it is more important than breathing properly.
It's actually pretty hard to blame him, though. Forcing your son into the nose closet is a rough decision, but considering that when Santa Claus finally finds out, he tells Donner that he should be ashamed of himself for siring a monstrosity like Rudolph, it's easy to see why he did it. If Santa Claus is showing up to smack-talk your kid, it's safe to assume something's gone very, very wrong.
All of the other reindeer almost caused the end of time
With a story as well-known as Rudolph, it's fun to play "what if," and try to figure out what would happen if things had gone a little differently. If Rudolph had never bothered to come back to the North Pole, for instance, there would've been some pretty dire consequences. The obvious change, of course, is that Christmas just doesn't happen that year, but in the grand scheme of things, that wouldn't be so bad — Santa could always just deliver the presents on New Year's or something, and in the meantime, all those greedy kids who abandoned their polka dot elephants could learn to appreciate the things they had.
The bigger problem, of course, is the complete collapse of the entire space-time continuum.
See, while it's far less well known than the original special, the sequel, Rudolph's Shiny New Year, is infinitely more insane. In it, a cosmically powerful vulture called Eon the Terrible, who's fated to disintegrate on January 1, sets his sights on kidnapping Happy, the Baby New Year, to stop time and therefore stave off his prophesied death. The good news is Happy is hiding out in the Archipelago of Last Years — which is basically what would happen if you mashed up Hawaii with the concept of time travel — and for some reason, Rudolph gets sent to bring him back. Apparently Santa Claus, who can literally see every child no matter where they are, couldn't be bothered to take a few minutes to save the universe from utter destruction.
Needless to say, Rudolph succeeds and the flow of time continues unabated. If he hadn't been Santa's go-to guy, however, it's pretty clear that we'd all be spending an ageless eternity on December 31, ruled over by a giant vulture. No offense, but Comet and Cupid ain't solving that one.
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